Disturbed
26 Jul 2011 1 Comment
in Open marriage Tags: communication, consideration, hubby, husbands, Open marriage, respect, revelations, sex
Due to my first ever go at pneumonia , I have been out of commission these past few weeks. Never having this sickness I find myself not really feeling sick but really tired and I can sleep longer then I usually can. But what has been putting a damper on life is a gawd awful cough that literally has me gasping for air, heaving a bit and wetting myself. Yeah.. sexy. Not.
So entertaining myself I have been reading other bloggers and talking with other OM’ers and I find myself seriously disturbed at what I am seeing. So much so that I question the true nature of what an Open Marriage is all about. I believe that OUR marriage was opened for the reasons of being able to experience things outside of our marriage without fear of repercussions. That was my first initial revelation as it revolved around us as a couple.
My second revelation was that we can openly speak freely to each other and this literally set us free. Free to say things like; this meatloaf tastes like shit, please don’t make it again. Being honest with each other and not having the need to lie is an amazing high. Feelings may get bruised but we each have our things that bother us about the other so getting it out in the open is a breath of fresh air.
My third revelation was that I found my husband to be light years ahead of me on so many levels that he became more interesting and exciting to be with. While sexually things didn’t change a whole lot, other than the fact that I was no longer “faking” it. Hubby knew when I got off and when I didn’t. But he has been able to get me off famously now.
Respect for each other and showing each other consideration is something that was unspoken rules because of our love for one another. We now speak the same language and are just about always on the same page. Another thing we do naturally is to surprise each other with little presents or deeds to show the other how much we appreciate them. Our Open Marriage just helped our lives together to evolve into something fantastic. Close friends envy it and I would not give it up for the world.
I felt such a disturbance from other’s OM that I had to realize our life is not like theirs. Neither one of us hated or disliked the other. We still liked having sex with each other. It was just our lack of communication that created our “cause and effect” which became an Open Marriage.
I guess I feel that those choosing to Open their Marriages is just prolonging the inevitable. Especially when one becomes self indulgent without giving consideration to the other and/or stop having sex with their spouse. Somehow to me, it feels very cold and not a marriage anymore. Amazingly it’s the men that fall into the “not having sex with my wife” category. It makes no sense as to why a man would be okay with that scenario unless they:
1.) no longer feel attracted to their wife
2.) are Asexual
3.) Gay
Or maybe they just lose interest in begging for it and just accept the fact their sex partner is now their hand. They don’t tend to go out get laid either, which makes no sense at all. Perhaps they are scared?
Well that’s my thoughts on other people’s Open Marriages. Amazingly we are all different. I have met many different versions and I have yet to find one that is like mine. Which makes me feel even more special and appreciative for landing such a awesome man for a husband!
******Please note*********
I am in no way ridiculing anyone’s marriage and how it has evolved for them. This posting is just me venting a disturbing thought that had me feeling that OUR marriage was doomed to fail. After having a long talk with my Hubby, he reassured me that we would not be going down that dark path. But like most things that nag me; I have to vent, rant and plain ole spit it out to feel better.
Dead Serious
09 Feb 2011 1 Comment
in Open marriage, Relations Tags: communication, fear, insecuriities, Kat, lies, Open marriage, open relationship, Sheman, stubborn
Sheman came over to hang with me. We chatted and I made her some of my homemade hummus that’s amazingly good. She is always begging me to cook for her and this is a small thing I do for her. While making it she tries moving in closer and getting romantic with me.
I stopped her cold with no way, not doing this and you know why. She tried for the next hour to get a kiss out of me and I refused every single time. Did I want to? Oh yeah. But, she fucked up and has to know I am not budging.
As she left she looked at me in shock that I would not kiss her goodbye. I told her fix her mistake and things will progress the way we would like. She seems to be at a loss at how to. Kat pretty much told her that she doesn’t want to know anything. I said that is insane. I never understand how people want to be in an Open Relationship or Open Marriage but have no communication! The whole point in being in such a relationship is to be able to speak your mind and not have to worry about your partner freaking out.
My response about that is that would make her relationship so much harder to keep happy if there is no communication. Sheman is so concerned about Kat’s insecurities so she buckles and feeds into it. She also stated that I have not been open with my feelings until recently and I know she’s right. I’ve been standoffish and not feeling sure about things. After telling her that she has been the longest running “interest” since opening my marriage, she’s now sure I have feelings for her.
I am constantly amazed with all of the little things we have in common. It was eery in the beginning and I even accused her of being a copycat (juvenile, I know) but I am telling you it’s very very very odd. We even have the same phone and same color! Drink the same kind of coffee with a dash of cinnamon in it. I can go on and on here but I tell ya, it’s wild. Every time we are together we discover something new that we have in common. I now think it’s really cool.
So now me holding out has made her fight for what she wants. Both of us and no restrictions. She has to get rid of this promise and Kat as to be aware that I am indeed in the picture. Kat does not have to be happy about it. Just aware of me. Then I will be ok with it all.
Clean Slate
23 Jul 2010 4 Comments
in Open marriage Tags: cheating, clean slate, communication, husband, Open marriage, relationship, repressed, shock, trust
While conversing with another person in an Open Marriage, I had to explain the dynamics to her about my Open marriage. At the point when my husband Opened our marriage, I was in a state of shock and disbelief that this is where we as a couple were heading.
My heart was with him, and my confession was with full resignation of dealing with any and all repercussions I was going to weather for the rest of my days with this man. A typical relationship would have the screaming, crying and accusations of betrayal all on his part. I would grovel and beg for forgiveness and swear never to do it again. Life would then be kept on a short leash while I would slowly earn his trust again. But really, you never do.
That’s a typical relationship outcome, this happened with another girlfriend and spent the next 3 years in hell as her husband got over it. My out come was totally different and this girlfriend could not believe my luck. I fell in shit and still came out smelling like a rose and she was jealous.
But I digress, back to my Open marriage and this fellow OM friend. In my state of shock and disbelief came a period of time when I tested the waters to see if he would freak on me. He never did and constantly reassured me that this was ok. But he did say that I caused this and he will be able to venture out now. That was a huge pill for me to swallow but I choked it down uneasily. I knew I wanted to continue the relationship with my lover and keep my husband, so this was the only outcome for us.
After the shock of it all wore off and we began to get comfortable with this idea, I came to the realization that he gave me a clean slate to start over within our relationship. Never once has he thrown in my face that I was a cheating whore because that is not how he had looked at our marriage. In fact, this clean slate made us see each other with new eyes. He saw me as the slut I really am and did not want to confine that. I saw a truly unique man that intrigued me with his thought process and outlook on life.
We naturally started to Date again. Wanting to know what was truly in our hearts and minds without any censorship. Simple conversations became deep and meaningful over a period of time. I truly wanted to learn the real him and he wanted to learn the real me. It was and still is very stimulating.
The fear of bringing up a “touchy” subject was hard in the beginning. But now we can talk freely and in passing about something that in normal situations should be a “we need to talk” conversation. We make our points known without a huge discussion and life goes on.
We also never fought about entering this avenue. We have in the beginning argued about boundaries, but this was due to my insecurities. Over time I had gotten over those. Opening this marriage has caused us to really not fight. We have the lamest fights ever now, several verbal comments volleyed back and forth and within the hour we are apologizing and talking rationally again.
We entered a level that is amazingly open and free. This opened up my sexuality with my husband that I can now have multiple orgasms and crave the man. I can’t say that in the beginning of our relationship. I could not say that five years into our relationship as man and wife. We both played a part in our shared lives that had us censored and suppressed.
Now, my husband gets a kick out of the latest crazy adventure or kinks I want to try. I do not even have to ask him for permission, but I do out of respect and to keep him abreast of my activities. I keep nothing from him and he doesn’t with me.
Because I have opened up so freely with him, he has now become my counterpart that can finish my thought or understand where I am coming from. He is my center, my husband and first in my life.
A clean slate is just that, starting fresh and re-dating the person you have chosen to be your spouse. Sharing your thoughts, experiences and feelings with each other is a necessity to make this a happy union. Showing empathy and patience to your spouse as they go thru their own steps to accepting this avenue is also a necessity. But above all communication is extremely important and I really can’t stress that enough.
Because it took me 8 years of our lives together to understand this and to actually do it. Don’t be a fool and repress yourself, if your partner does not know the real you then you have cheated each other of a fabulous experience.
Open Marriage- Defined
19 Jul 2010 12 Comments
in Open marriage Tags: cheating, communication, fairy tale, house wife, househo, husband, Open marriage
Everyone in a relationship can not honestly tell me that they are able to say anything to their partner. I mean Openly speaking their wants, needs, desires, and dreams without feeling some apprehension that their partner will flip out on them, abuse them or even ridicule them.
So instead we become a different person. A person masked in what society deems correct. And what does society find correct. Well that you meet the perfect person, get married, buy a house, have 2.5 kids and live happily ever after.
Whatta crock of shit. Where in there does it state that to follow these steps do you forget who you are? That he becomes the bread-winner busting his ass to make that buck so he can feed his children. And were does it say that she becomes Molly Miss Homemaker that keeps a house spotless, raise the children and have dinner waiting for him as he walked thru the door.
This Stepford Wives is for the birds. Oh sure its every little girls dream to find her prince charming, but reality is very harsh. And now where does these fairy tale stories talk about feelings that occur after the reality sinks in that it’s not going to be happily ever after.
You have a wife, playing the role of a mother and house wife. That was me. I choose to be the ones to raise my babies and hubby agreed. That is where I wanted to be.
Then there is the husband, playing the role of a hard-working man who woke up at 5 am every day and came home at 5pm every night. Dead on his feet because he did not push a pencil. Oh no, my man was working in the construction type position that had him busting his ass all day long. So he just wanted to come home, sit down to his beer, eat his meal she made him, snuggle with the children a bit and fall asleep in his chair.
Day in and Day out, this was our life. There was no conversations, connections were strained, and we fought like cats and dogs. Because I needed some attention. Home all day with children and feeling undesirable, fat, ugly and trapped. Trapped in a way of thinking that this is my life now?! This can’t be.
One day I had a conversation with a relative, and we discussed my unhappiness to were our lives had become. I remember her pushing for me to talk to my husband and I had. Multiple times. But men think, Oh if I just give her some sex then this will make things right again. WRONG!! A temporary fix that really masked the issues. And at that time frame the sex wasn’t great. A faked orgasms happened frequently. So talking to this relative, I remember telling her that I would take care of myself. Some how some way, I would make it work and I would be happy again. Back then I had no clue what I meant, but now I do. See I always believed in being open to other possibilities other than what was presented to me.
So I cheated. For a long time I did this. I cheated for the pure fact that I was not a house wife that was going to shrivel up and die. I did not want to hurt my husband and felt horrid about it, yet I could not stop. Why? Because I was alive again. A felt hot, sexy and desirable again. But best of all, my relationship with my husband flourished. We stopped fighting and began to enjoy each other again.
Fast forward to where our marriage became Opened. I remember sitting on my husband’s lap and swearing to him that I would never lie to him again. And I haven’t. On my babies lives, to this day I have been totally honest with him. In fact I incorporated that with my entire life.
By Opening our Marriage, I began to talk more freely about .. well everything. NO subject was taboo and we felt free and able converse and connect on a deeper level. Personally, I grew to understand that we all make choices that best fit our lives. Some of us make destructive decisions, others choose to live in misery, some step out of the box and give in to temptations, while some give up totally on their situation.
In the beginning my needs were very basic human needs that were not being met and so I seeked it else where. Over time those needs changed and so did my concept on why I am in an Open Marriage. Yeah sure I can go out there and gang bang the local football team but I don’t want to. No in fact I am happily content with my husband’s ability to make me cum.
What we came to realise is that every relationship should be totally honest and true. Open marriage is just the label that really should be for everyone out there wanting to be themselves. In their raw true form and not be ridiculed for it by the one person they love. It’s all about communication, people. And that one word, scares the crap out of everyone.
So I am very proud of my Open Marriage because it has made me a better person. My husband is my lord and savory who I will honor till the day I die. He has my heart and my soul and I would never want anyone as much as I want him.
He set me free to be me. Househo, the house wife that has the freedom to experience anything I want out of life. Yes sir, I am one lucky gal!
