Emotional Blockage
10 Dec 2010 Leave a Comment
in Open marriage Tags: connection, Emotion, family, Health, Home, husband, Mother, Open marriage, pain, Parent, Sheman, Sibling
Since I been on hiatus of men and really just interested in Sheman, emotional thoughts have surfaced from other aspects of my life. My childhood. Focusing mainly on my parents and how they treated me. Those who know me quickly realise that my relationship with my parents are very strained to say the least. Sadly, emotional pain is associated with my mother. It’s forever raw emotional pain when she is mentioned and my life is easier when I put my extended family out of my mind and think of my life with my husband and babies.
But as of late I came to realize that there is another avenue of pain that was never acknowledged. My siblings. As a family of six and me being the second born, it was very apparent that I was and still am the black sheep of the family. My siblings were very cruel to me with their verbal abuse that entered into adulthood. What is so fucked up about this is that my parents condoned it and encouraged it. It was the way my life ran.
Does this explain who I am? Maybe. A lot of my personal hangups stem from my childhood but there is something more deeply wrong with me that I never understood. I have a coldness that I instilled in my life because of my upbringing. I never told my mother I loved her until I moved out and was in a stressful situation that caused me to reach out to the only person I knew then as my rock. Before that.. I never heard her say I was pretty, until the day I was busted for shoplifting cosmetics. Only then she tells the officer that I did not need this cause I was pretty with out it. At the time I was shocked, but in reality Mom was having her moment of being the wronged one and giving her little speech to help herself cope with her delinquent daughter.
I digress on where I am going with this, I swore this blog was about our Open Marriage but I feel that giving up some of this information helps shape who we are and how we came to this point in our lives. My point is that I have emotionally blocked anyone from touching my heart or being part of my life except for my husband and children.
I figured this out the other day and it had made me cry knowing that this is due to my parents and siblings cruelty towards me. It made me realise why I run so hot and cold towards Sheman. I truly like her but I do my damnest to push her away and I can’t seem to stop it. She is quite the strong willed woman that she knows there is this connection between us and is literally jumping thru these hoops I set up for her. I give her lots of kudos for that. So much so I had apologized to her about being so mean to her and then explained that I liked her a lot and working thru some emotional blockage thats stopping me from embracing these feelings. That was about four days ago and I feel it’s going better between us.
I should probably see a shrink about all of this, but by doing that I would feel thats a weakness I can’t seem to deal with. I have gotten this far on my own and can work thru my own baggage without someone probing and stoking the embers of my painful past.
Whatta shame
27 Nov 2010 1 Comment
in Relations Tags: Divorce, husband, Marriage, Relationships, swinger
Several years ago hubby and I met a woman with a child with special needs. He went to the same classes my little guy went to. We always conversed with this woman at the bus stop and never let it go further than that. I had never extended the olive branch of friendship towards her for several reasons but mainly I found her a bit unstable.
She disappears for about a year and then resurfaces with a new child and now her husband in tow. Her husband was well.. hot. I got to chat it up with him a few times at the bus stop all the while dressed in my crappy sweats, ratty hair and hubby’s combat boots. Yeah I looked hot. LOL not!!
So I gushed and turned on the charm as I flirted a bit with him. Living so close to them though I try not to broadcast my Open Marriage and try to socialize much with the neighbors. Here is this tasty meat that I would have loved to mess with and instead I step back and made sure I did not overstep any boundaries. I also knew that their marriage was unstable and they were trying to make things work. So I was not going to cause any more issues and dropped it like it was on fire.
Lets fast forward another year or so, which turns out to be today, and I am running into her in a store. She looks different. Acting more grown up and seems like she has her shit together. We chat with her and she tells me that she is getting a divorce. Not so shocked about it I asked why. She tells me that her husband wanted to start swapping with other couples and she could not deal with that.
I was floored on this part. Keeping my composure I state a surprised “REALLY?!”. But in my head I was like “What!! Man! I was totally mackin on the guy!!”
*sigh* Just goes to show you that you never know where a person’s mind is when talk with them. I’m sure my hubby found her attractive since I thought she was a cutie. But to wreck the marriage because he wanted to spice up their life. This poor man now lost his family because of his desire to live life with his wife. I find that a shame.
I wonder if she’d give me his number…… … ;-P
Clean Slate
23 Jul 2010 4 Comments
in Open marriage Tags: cheating, clean slate, communication, husband, Open marriage, relationship, repressed, shock, trust
While conversing with another person in an Open Marriage, I had to explain the dynamics to her about my Open marriage. At the point when my husband Opened our marriage, I was in a state of shock and disbelief that this is where we as a couple were heading.
My heart was with him, and my confession was with full resignation of dealing with any and all repercussions I was going to weather for the rest of my days with this man. A typical relationship would have the screaming, crying and accusations of betrayal all on his part. I would grovel and beg for forgiveness and swear never to do it again. Life would then be kept on a short leash while I would slowly earn his trust again. But really, you never do.
That’s a typical relationship outcome, this happened with another girlfriend and spent the next 3 years in hell as her husband got over it. My out come was totally different and this girlfriend could not believe my luck. I fell in shit and still came out smelling like a rose and she was jealous.
But I digress, back to my Open marriage and this fellow OM friend. In my state of shock and disbelief came a period of time when I tested the waters to see if he would freak on me. He never did and constantly reassured me that this was ok. But he did say that I caused this and he will be able to venture out now. That was a huge pill for me to swallow but I choked it down uneasily. I knew I wanted to continue the relationship with my lover and keep my husband, so this was the only outcome for us.
After the shock of it all wore off and we began to get comfortable with this idea, I came to the realization that he gave me a clean slate to start over within our relationship. Never once has he thrown in my face that I was a cheating whore because that is not how he had looked at our marriage. In fact, this clean slate made us see each other with new eyes. He saw me as the slut I really am and did not want to confine that. I saw a truly unique man that intrigued me with his thought process and outlook on life.
We naturally started to Date again. Wanting to know what was truly in our hearts and minds without any censorship. Simple conversations became deep and meaningful over a period of time. I truly wanted to learn the real him and he wanted to learn the real me. It was and still is very stimulating.
The fear of bringing up a “touchy” subject was hard in the beginning. But now we can talk freely and in passing about something that in normal situations should be a “we need to talk” conversation. We make our points known without a huge discussion and life goes on.
We also never fought about entering this avenue. We have in the beginning argued about boundaries, but this was due to my insecurities. Over time I had gotten over those. Opening this marriage has caused us to really not fight. We have the lamest fights ever now, several verbal comments volleyed back and forth and within the hour we are apologizing and talking rationally again.
We entered a level that is amazingly open and free. This opened up my sexuality with my husband that I can now have multiple orgasms and crave the man. I can’t say that in the beginning of our relationship. I could not say that five years into our relationship as man and wife. We both played a part in our shared lives that had us censored and suppressed.
Now, my husband gets a kick out of the latest crazy adventure or kinks I want to try. I do not even have to ask him for permission, but I do out of respect and to keep him abreast of my activities. I keep nothing from him and he doesn’t with me.
Because I have opened up so freely with him, he has now become my counterpart that can finish my thought or understand where I am coming from. He is my center, my husband and first in my life.
A clean slate is just that, starting fresh and re-dating the person you have chosen to be your spouse. Sharing your thoughts, experiences and feelings with each other is a necessity to make this a happy union. Showing empathy and patience to your spouse as they go thru their own steps to accepting this avenue is also a necessity. But above all communication is extremely important and I really can’t stress that enough.
Because it took me 8 years of our lives together to understand this and to actually do it. Don’t be a fool and repress yourself, if your partner does not know the real you then you have cheated each other of a fabulous experience.
Open Marriage- Defined
19 Jul 2010 12 Comments
in Open marriage Tags: cheating, communication, fairy tale, house wife, househo, husband, Open marriage
Everyone in a relationship can not honestly tell me that they are able to say anything to their partner. I mean Openly speaking their wants, needs, desires, and dreams without feeling some apprehension that their partner will flip out on them, abuse them or even ridicule them.
So instead we become a different person. A person masked in what society deems correct. And what does society find correct. Well that you meet the perfect person, get married, buy a house, have 2.5 kids and live happily ever after.
Whatta crock of shit. Where in there does it state that to follow these steps do you forget who you are? That he becomes the bread-winner busting his ass to make that buck so he can feed his children. And were does it say that she becomes Molly Miss Homemaker that keeps a house spotless, raise the children and have dinner waiting for him as he walked thru the door.
This Stepford Wives is for the birds. Oh sure its every little girls dream to find her prince charming, but reality is very harsh. And now where does these fairy tale stories talk about feelings that occur after the reality sinks in that it’s not going to be happily ever after.
You have a wife, playing the role of a mother and house wife. That was me. I choose to be the ones to raise my babies and hubby agreed. That is where I wanted to be.
Then there is the husband, playing the role of a hard-working man who woke up at 5 am every day and came home at 5pm every night. Dead on his feet because he did not push a pencil. Oh no, my man was working in the construction type position that had him busting his ass all day long. So he just wanted to come home, sit down to his beer, eat his meal she made him, snuggle with the children a bit and fall asleep in his chair.
Day in and Day out, this was our life. There was no conversations, connections were strained, and we fought like cats and dogs. Because I needed some attention. Home all day with children and feeling undesirable, fat, ugly and trapped. Trapped in a way of thinking that this is my life now?! This can’t be.
One day I had a conversation with a relative, and we discussed my unhappiness to were our lives had become. I remember her pushing for me to talk to my husband and I had. Multiple times. But men think, Oh if I just give her some sex then this will make things right again. WRONG!! A temporary fix that really masked the issues. And at that time frame the sex wasn’t great. A faked orgasms happened frequently. So talking to this relative, I remember telling her that I would take care of myself. Some how some way, I would make it work and I would be happy again. Back then I had no clue what I meant, but now I do. See I always believed in being open to other possibilities other than what was presented to me.
So I cheated. For a long time I did this. I cheated for the pure fact that I was not a house wife that was going to shrivel up and die. I did not want to hurt my husband and felt horrid about it, yet I could not stop. Why? Because I was alive again. A felt hot, sexy and desirable again. But best of all, my relationship with my husband flourished. We stopped fighting and began to enjoy each other again.
Fast forward to where our marriage became Opened. I remember sitting on my husband’s lap and swearing to him that I would never lie to him again. And I haven’t. On my babies lives, to this day I have been totally honest with him. In fact I incorporated that with my entire life.
By Opening our Marriage, I began to talk more freely about .. well everything. NO subject was taboo and we felt free and able converse and connect on a deeper level. Personally, I grew to understand that we all make choices that best fit our lives. Some of us make destructive decisions, others choose to live in misery, some step out of the box and give in to temptations, while some give up totally on their situation.
In the beginning my needs were very basic human needs that were not being met and so I seeked it else where. Over time those needs changed and so did my concept on why I am in an Open Marriage. Yeah sure I can go out there and gang bang the local football team but I don’t want to. No in fact I am happily content with my husband’s ability to make me cum.
What we came to realise is that every relationship should be totally honest and true. Open marriage is just the label that really should be for everyone out there wanting to be themselves. In their raw true form and not be ridiculed for it by the one person they love. It’s all about communication, people. And that one word, scares the crap out of everyone.
So I am very proud of my Open Marriage because it has made me a better person. My husband is my lord and savory who I will honor till the day I die. He has my heart and my soul and I would never want anyone as much as I want him.
He set me free to be me. Househo, the house wife that has the freedom to experience anything I want out of life. Yes sir, I am one lucky gal!
Glorious Orgasm!
08 Jun 2010 1 Comment
in Sexuality Tags: doggy style, fucking, husband, kissing, mulitiple orgasms, nipples, orgasm
I was in the mood today, its been about two weeks actually, that I was REALLY in the mood. So I texted hubby. Time is of the essence here, since the children are all preoccupied with naps or activities outside the house.
Hubby rolls in and I am naked in bed waiting. Soon as he is in bed with me I attack him. I love kissing him. He is really good at it and makes me all warm and gooey inside. After I helped my favorite appendage spring to life, I immediately hopped on it. Riding him while he ran his hands all over me and working over nipples, mmmm I was loving it.
Then I felt myself building and I was so close to cumming and then.. nothing. Rats! Ok, fine. I kept going and the feeling came back and this time, he got me right to the edge and I was shaking and then.. *Angels singing* I came. And I came hard. Hubby continues to work over my nipples as my orgasm rolled into another one and then into another one. I was in orgasmic bliss. I then kissed him as the last one ripple ran thru me. Shaking me to the core, I broke the kiss and said, ” So, umm .. I came!” and we broke out laughing.
Hubby then brought it home by taken me from behind. YEAH!
Headbangin
25 May 2010 3 Comments
in Open marriage Tags: afternoon sex, breast, cock, cowgirl, dominating, headache, headbanging, husband, nipples, orgasm, passion, quickie, sex, spontaneous
Afternoon delights are at times a rare treat in our home. With kids ranging from toddlerhood to teens, having them all preoccupied with naps or out of the house can take the alignment of stars for this to occur. Yet today the timing was spot on as hubby and I beeline it to the bedroom for a quick romp.
I love afternoon sex, it’s when I am at my horniest. Which makes me more demanding and dominating. Hubby just lays back and lets me maul him. Settling into one of my favorite positions, Me on top, I began to ride him as he lets his hands roam. Being so in sync with each other, I found myself getting caught up into it. So much so that I literally bashed my forehead into my husband’s rock hard cranium and said “oh god I love cock”. This caught us both up and he laughs at me a bit. I was bit bewildered why I did that but continued on.
Still in this position because I hate to give up my throne, I continued to ride him when few minutes more into it hubby reaches his orgasm. I slow down my stride and pout “oooh, you came!”. Not stopping though I tell him to play with my nipples cause I still want mine! He brings me to a lovely orgasm and I kiss him my thanks. He looks at me now and says, “What the heck was the head bashing and screamin out you love cock?”
I have no clue, but I think I gave myself a concussion. Not to mention a lovely headache.
Ending?? I think not!
05 May 2010 Leave a Comment
in Relations Tags: cheating, concerns, confusion, emotional, faithful, husband, infidility, sexting, sexual, teasing
Woke up feeling sad but determined. I was determined to not let Limo Guy walk away so easily. Not sure what I was going to do but dammit I won’t be tossed to the side like that without him giving it a shot.
Easiest thing to do is to walk away instead of trying. It’s why so many marriages end in divorce. I am no angel and I am unbelievably lucky to have an amazing husband that took my infidelity so differently then how everyone else would have reacted. But even if he didn’t react the way he did and flipped out on me. I know I would not have walked away from him and our life. I can’t say if I would be faithful but I would not leave him. I would make do with my situation anyway I have to.
I received a forward of a raunchy picture via a text. It was perfectly funny and raunchy enough to forward on to Limo Guy. So I did, feeling him out to see what he would say. The texts started out simple and funny. I pushed slighty to see if he would bolt or bite. He continued to text me and I found the texts becoming more a sexual teasing. It was cute and hot at the same time.
So now, I’m thinking he didn’t end it. He voiced is concerns and how he can’t handle the situation but he’s not walking away from it either. Baby steps is where this has to go. He has to work out the kinks on his own and we will see. So we are not off this ride yet! This ending? I think not!
