Give and take
05 Oct 2011 6 Comments
in Open marriage Tags: appreciation, cheating, girlfirends, give and take, hubby, love, Marriage, Open marriage, spouse, wives
It’s always bugged me how marriages can fall into an open relationship or cheaters evolve. I use my own marriage in comparison and it is baffling at times. I don’t blame each person but I do feel that the participants are not trying. What I found is that I was totally wrong about the whole thing.
Talking with my closest girl friends, I love to share the latest thing my darling hubby has done for me. Such as surprising me with little gifts, cooking me a meal, or bringing home a bottle of wine when he knows my day was going a little rough. I receive the same reaction from them all, my husband doesn’t do that. And it floors me. How can they not?!
It is a two way street in a marriage, give and take. You give 80 percent of yourself and take 20. This goes for both in the marriage. I found this happens in our marriage and only occasionally does one of us feel unappreciated or unloved. But over all we both do this naturally. I don’t have to say buy me this for my birthday that often because he knows. He took the time to ask or remembered me mentioning I liked something. But what floors me most of all, the man knows me better than I do. Some gifts will be odd and I don’t like it. But with given time, I end up raving about it and telling him he knows exactly what I would like, even if I don’t! Amazing.
My girlfriend’s marriages are cold and it’s due to the smallest acts of love and appreciation to their spouse. Their husbands don’t even cook a simple meal for them. I am blown away by this. Not when she is feeling ill or needs a break, never! In twenty plus years these marriages were one sided. No spontaneous gifts, nothing. And that is why they are in the situations they are in now. I get it, finally. And I don’t blame them for Opening their marriages or cheating. There is a level of intimacy that was never there and so they seek it elsewhere.
I guess if anything, this posting is to encourage those who just read this to evaluate your relationship and not disregard it because you find that your situation is working. I am here to tell you that it is a constant work in progress. So give your loved one a day off with a small gesture on your part showing them how much you love and appreciate them.
Drama of Sheman
21 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
in Open marriage Tags: commitment, dating, Kat, love, Open marriage, Sheman, ultimatium
So I haven’t been talking about Sheman much.. and its cause we have had a small hiatus while working, school work, kids, life, hubby.. and being a total heinous bitch. I have no clue why I went to such a crabby bitchy mean as shit mode but its been just that and no one was safe.
Until I got my mojo back. Then I was a lot more personable and ME! I am a very fun person. Hilariously fun person in fact. Those that know me knew I was going thru some frigged up phase that was messing with all my slutty activities.
Well Sheman and I began paling around again. She has moved into her apt but I am too chicken to go there. Well not chicken.. just not ready. We had this discussion and I told her I don’t want to have sex with her yet. I wasn’t ready. Why? My track record showed that any one I was really interested in became such a sexual disappointment. I don’t want her to be one. So I am ok with abstaining.. for now. But boy its there now, tickling the edge of my subconscious to just jump her ass and get it over with.
I had issues with the other woman keeping her at her beck and call. She is using this gal’s car, taking care of her house and kids. It was like she was being owned and any time I asked for us to do something, she interfered some how. Once she moved into her home I was more at eased with her and able to do things with her.
That’s when things hit the fan with her. Her .. dang.. I gotta have a name for her. I will call her Kat. Kat is a married woman, like myself and has the freedom to date other women. Her husband is totally ok with this. So they have a conditional Open Marriage that allows her to have relationships with women but no men. I met her close to two years ago and did not find her interesting enough to want to date. Her husband I believe does not date anyone.
Sheman doesn’t care for him and I have grown not to care for Kat either. I tried pointing out to Sheman that she was the nanny/house keeper/at Kat’s beck and call. Sheman denied it up until recently. Due to our frequent in person contacts, Kat has had some reservations. She has this conversation with Sheman where she professed her love to her. Sheman told her she loved her too. Surprisingly I don’t find that upsetting. The next thing that comes outta Sheman is that she had made a promise sometime ago that she can’t keep now. After much prodding she tells me that she promised “exclusive commitment when they professed love to one another”.
This I found upsetting. I gave her the riot act on how she says stupid shit in the heat of the moment and now she fucked everything up. Kat wants me outta the picture and to keep Sheman all to herself. I told her that this is her decision. It’s interesting how I find myself sure that I will not be kicked to the curb with her. So I had to coach her to fix the relationship with Kat.
Turns out Kat is afraid I will steal Sheman away from her. Lord.. That is such a dumb ass reason to put a ultimatium on a person. I have no intentions of doing that, even if I had those deep feelings. I would never do that. Sheman has her own life to live. If she wants to be a part of mine, great! If not she is free to go. You can’t stop a person from moving on.
So for now, we are casually dating and enjoying each other’s company. She’s slowly integrating herself into my family and she has been well received. I don’t see it ending anytime soon. And as my twin said earlier today, Sheman is the longest interest in another person that I have had other than my hubby. Hmmm…
Wine Revelations
18 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
in Open marriage, Relations Tags: dating, kissing, love, Open marriage, poly, secondary, tipsy, Twin, Wine
Today I went to a local wine festival with my twin and her hubby. They are in an Open marriage where she has found love with another man and now considers herself poly. This is where we differ. I have such a deep loving relationship with my husband that I do not feel this emotional attachment to another person nor do I think I ever would. I have such a rare man who I don’t see any man or woman coming close to being what he is. If I were to lose him tomorrow, for any reason, I would be lost and inconsolable for a very long time. And with saying that I know I would never marry again.
Chatting with my Twin, she tells me her hubby is now in the market to date. Their situation is fairly new being about 2 to 3 years in Opening their marriage. She was very ready for this Openness where he had to silently cope with the dynamics of this change in their relationship. I find it fascinating to be witnessing her counterpart venturing out and becoming a man per say.
I say this because he is such a quiet man with plenty of insecurities and issues. My first meeting of him was disappointing. No eye contact, mumbled a lot and really could not interact. The next several times I have seen him he progressively became better with the eye contact and some interaction. Spending the day with him was really not something I wanted to do and made sure to pass on to him that he would have to loosen up. It was a day to let down our hair and taste some wines. And I have to say he surprised me with his conversations and interacting with me. I liked him!
By the end of our time tasting as much wine as possible, I was quite tipsy. I would not say I was drunk but I was quite grateful for our Designated Driver (her hubby) to cart our happy asses back to the car. On our way out I asked them if they were hungry, and they said no, but I sorta was. I had a munchy craving so to speak. So they treated me to Arby’s which I never had before. I ended up sharing the sandwich and the fries with her hubby while chatting away with Twin.
We stopped at gas station due to Twin needing a potty break and I took this opportunity to get more acquainted with Hubby. I pretty much just threw myself into his lap and started kissing him. He kissed pretty well with some tongue but not all crazy down the throat tongue kissing. I let his hands roam and I did the same to him, which was all nice too! He then stopped me and told me Twin was coming back. So I stopped and got back into my seat. Twin laughed and asked if she should go back into the gas station or go for a walk. I don’t remember which but that was nixed and off we went.
Apparently I made the man’s day by doing this. I felt no pressure from him and I totally enjoyed it. He is a safe toy to play with. Discussing this further with Twin later on, I came to the conclusion that perhaps the circles I have been going in is not where I should be. Dating single men is so wrong for me. Dating POLY people is so right.
I believe this is what I have been missing. I also believe that I cannot handle someone unattached because I do not want to be their center of attention. My life is very full already. Any secondary person entering my life must understand that I have to be secondary for them as well. By doing this I believe the pressure and chaos of crazy relationships will even out.
An Update
14 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
in Open marriage Tags: bisexual, chatting, depression, hubby, lesbian, love, lover, OKcupid, Open marriage, poly group, sexual banter, women
As my depression disappears, so is my pain that I had been experiencing. I won’t say it’s totally gone but I have definitely stopped all forms of pain meds to curb it. I attribute all this to eliminating the bombardment of strange men wanting to get into my pants and surrounding myself with my immediate family members.
I kept open just one profile via OKcupid and shut down all the others. I like this one above all else because I can easily block unwanted solicitations and chat with them immediately without means of them pushing for cell numbers. I did alter my profile on this one. I added my hot Dom pics and boy did I attract attention. I attracted women. And this I liked. I like it a lot.
I received a message from a local hot bi girl who was looking to network with other poly type people. We chatted before but had lost contact due to busy lives and personal chaos. She is totally adorable but allusive. I love her already! It appears we will have our first local poly group meeting and she has made sure I attend. I plan on taking hubby so he can intermingle as well.
Speaking of my love, he has been amazing thru all this. Patient, sweet, and understanding. I only berated him when I was my lowest. Needing him to be the one to make the decisions while I was a blubbering mess. He being such a sweety doesn’t want to be a negative guy telling me no. I think I need to be told no more often. But I love the guy for letting me be such a free spirit. So, I am bashing him for not being a jerk of a husband. LOL
Another mention is my 8 yr long lover that I dumped. He has been always in the picture but on the outskirts and me being mean to him. Its interesting, us women in OM find that men who have had a bone tossed to them in any manner or form like to take it and run with it. They even feel that they still are allowed access to said bone when they ask for it. This is my lover, won’t take no for an answer and enjoys hearing about my adventures.
Well he had a heart attack shortly after I last saw him. He had lost some weight and I found myself thinking.. “hey baby…” then mentally blocked the rest of that thought. Days later I find out about him and then I found myself thinking about him, a lot. WTF?! I talked to friends about him and I realized I missed the bastard. I really do enjoy the sexual banter we have back and forth. Its exciting if not very arousing.
Since his untimely vacation, I ran into him several times. He hasn’t made the life changing choices he should have but, whatever. His choice. I have started up the banter back with him and truly enjoyed it. I even offered him a tumble but he was unable to break a company rule to sneak in my house to do it. Well.. if that’s not a challenge to see how quickly I can get him to break that, then I don’t know what is. LOL
I would also like to mention that I lunched with my straight gone lesbian gone bisexual girlfriend and it was so much fun being with her. She was truly therapeutic and I loved seeing her so deliriously happy in her life. It made me feel like I helped accomplished something for her and she glowed with happiness. This helped me regain myself even further.
It’s just interesting how life is changing for me and how I helped others. My optimistic outlook is back and my sense of humor as well. I had missed me for quite a while. And I am glad I am back.
I did meet a very tasty female thru OKcupid, a true lesbian. She has my attention and I am excited to learn a thing or two from a pro. LOL I told her that I was a virgin compared to her and instead of her shying away, it made her very excited about breaking me in.
