Idling Sheman

It’s been a long time since I have written about Sheman but it was due to very little communications between us that kept things on hiatus.  So, lemme catch you all up.  She had taken a CMA job in April and started working double shifts and over time to pay back some of her debts.  All this means that she had no life and everything was put on hold. 

I was quite fine with the situation.  It got her outta my hair for a while and I wasn’t feeling pressured anymore for constant hook ups.  I saw her here and there over the summer but it was all fleetingly.  The last time we saw each other was on Halloween.  We chatted for the longest time outside my door and I came to the realization that even though she is a pain in my ass; I missed her.  I truly like her and I like hanging out with her because we have so much in common.   I told her so via text that day and we were supposed to get together shortly after that but something came up.  I think she had to work. 

So time flies and life gets in the way every so often we would fire off a text to each other and it was more of hit or miss between us.  Here comes Christmas and I wanted to see her.  We set up a time and she waffled, work again.  The next day she had off and so we planned to just to do her errands and reconnect. 

We shopped and I bought her a late Christmas gift and then took her to breakfast for lunch.  Turns out we both love breakfast any time of the day.  I was thrilled!!  We chatted about her relationship with her “wife” Kat and it seems that her Open Marriage has exploded.  Hubby doesn’t cut it for her anymore and she wants out.  I mentioned that I knew that kind of relationship wouldn’t work.  One spouse cannot be that selfish in wanting to have extra martial affairs and not allow the other to have them.  It’s bullshit.  The man claims he doesn’t want to step outside the marriage but I don’t believe that.  There is some deep harboring resentment there that has bubbled up to the surface and has caused irreparable damages. That with the fact the man doesn’t know his wife and has loads of bad traits. 

As I listen to Sheman castrate the man I couldn’t help but toss in that it takes two people to make a marriage work.  That Kat is not an angel and that she is just as much to blame as he is for the failure of their union.  She had to agree with me and has some trepidation for what the future could be bringing her way.  Kat divorces her hubby and wants Sheman to move in with her.  Wants Sheman to be the parent to her children that hubby is incapable of being.  And I tossed in for added measure that I would have to leave the picture of this happy scenario. 

For the first time know Sheman, I seen her tell me that she has no intentions of moving in with Kat after hubby is gone.  She in fact signed her lease for another year at her apartment.  Sheman is putting on the breaks for her freedom.  I was so very impressed with her!  She must have realized she needs to slow things down and not go so fast.  I am really digging this side of her! 

Anyways, long story short; Sheman is not out of the picture just idling in the background for a few spare moments here and there.  I also have another year with her to see where things could go.   :-)

Phone Sex and Sheman

Late last evening I was horny and hubby was asleep after an exhausting day of work.  So for the first time in a long time I busted out my vibrator and dusted her off.  I started perusing the porn sites and finding it utterly boring.  I peeked over at my Yahoo messenger and I notice my favorite bad boy BJ is online.  So I drop him quick message and off to the races we went!

I told him I was horny and that he should turn is webcam on for me.  He just happened to be in the same mood. So I asked him to masturbate for me.  It thrilled me that he was accommodating as he set up his camera and out came the cock. 

I found this more exciting than watching porn.  Since he could not see me, I had to tell him what I was doing with my vibrator and it was quite erotic.  Towards the end he said I should call him to help him finish off.  So I thought, what the heck and called him. 

Phone sex is old school but overall it can be more erotic and exciting than watching porn.  It was quite enjoyable listening to him cum as I watching him on the cam.  Even though my orgasms with the toy aren’t the same as the real thing, it did take the edge off things.

We are in the works of planning a date sometime soon.  This put a guilty feeling in me as in reference of Sheman.  I would have to tell her about this guy and another relatively soon.   And I suppose I should clue her in on the MFM party too.  LOL   Yeah, it be a good idea.

It wasn’t that hard telling her.   By the easiest means necessary; via text.  Her response was “Please be safe”.  I laughed out loud at this because I had not mentioned the party yet. Messaging her back I said “Oh well, then you are going to love this next part!”  I informed her of the upcoming party and I think she took it well. Sorta. Her main concern was that I was ending it with her.  The jury is still out on that one for me.  So I dodged it with a No, I am keeping you abreast of my sexual activities as promised. Then she went into the STD factor of the men.  I am discussing this in wild details more with her then I have with Hubby.  To him, I just announced that Sassyslut and I are gonna have a MFM party.  He gets that its all about having fun.  And in doing so there are some risks you take. 

It’s funny, I felt obligated to tell her about it because it is common courtesy to do so but if she was going to throw a fit about it.   It would not stop me from doing it.  Only Hubby has that authority over me.

String of Orgasms

Sex for me lately has been more about quality instead of quantity.  I stopped masturbating for quite some time now due to the orgasms from a battery operated toy paling in comparison to the physical touch of another person.  I have no problems patiently waiting for that moment to arise. 

My hard working hubby can be exhausted from a day’s work and with the heat it is increasingly difficult to dredge up the energy to go there.  We joke about sweating just thinking about it.  So we wait.

Early this morning the time was right.  Hubby worked all my lovely parts with his hands and mouth bringing me to extreme excitement that I was literally sweating for more.  As he entered me it was apparent I was way too wet for the friction to do its magic.  But after a few thrusts it didn’t matter as I being delivered to a nice orgasm.  Things progressed in a nice manner that I was truly enjoying it.  

And then hubby kicks in the magic he does that sends me over the edge and a hard orgasm hits that has me crowing the morning to all.  He does this cute little giggle at me and kicks it into overdrive that launches me to into a string of orgasms that literally blurs my vision to black and my head clouds like I was high.  There seems to be a level there that I teeter on but stop and come back down from.  It’s a curious place that I believe I would lose myself in total abandonment.  I think I would like to venture their just to see if I like it. 

This is a total control thing that I am finding I want to try to give up just to see what this sensation is.  Of course, I would only do this with Hubby.

 

In Other news:

Sheman is still in the picture but it has been on the quiet side.  She has given me my space on healing.  Her job keeps her busy enough to not hound me to get together as much as she did.  And come next month will make a year of her being in my life.  That’s a major wow factor right there, huh?!

In Wilder news:

One of my siblings found a profile of mine I had on a pervy site that I had deleted months ago.  This website doesn’t recycle or refresh their server I guess, which makes for interesting situations for those out there cheating.  So yeah, I was told about it via second person and to be honest, I could care less if the family finds out about our Open Marriage.

In Hotter news:

The date has been set for the MFM party!!  August 20th, baby!  It has been decided that it will be just myself and SassySlut with a group of men.  We will be over booking the men, only because odds are they won’t show.  But wouldn’t that be wild if they all showed!  HAH

Flawed

We all have flaws. Some are physical but we all have some kind of flaw. I would be the first to admit that I am loaded with flaws. Well not loaded.. one or two doozies, ok!? But those who know me and love me, it’s due to my flaws that makes me unique and fun.

Yet there is a flaw that I have that is physical and it comes with a huge bag of emotions that tie to my mother. This flaw is actually easy to see if one was looking for it, like a missing finger or ripped ear lobe. Mine is kinda like that but not any of those. Not too many people have noticed it and all of my friends never noticed it. I guess after all these years I learned to mask it so I was not exposing it for those to see.

Anyways, I won’t come right out and say what the flaw is. But since my episode with Black Lion I have been very self conscious of it and pretty much stopped seeing men because of it. He pointed it out that he noticed it and it cut like a knife creating a damage that I wanted to so forget but couldn’t. My husband never asked about my flaw. His consideration to me is amazing and he admits now to me that he does to see this flaw when he looks at me. It does not define me to him. Oh but it does to me.

I confessed how this flaw came about. Truthfully, I don’t know. I always had it. The only info about it was relayed to me by my mother. She claims I did this to myself. Hubby finds that there is more to her story then what she relayed and loads of abuse behind it. I can’t help but think the same.

After all these years I have decided to fix it. Hubby says I don’t have to but for me. I need to. So I have talked to a surgeon and he did the first initial surgery to fix me. That was a week ago today. He states I will need one more surgery to perfect it and I am thrilled.

What I have done now is exposed this flaw to everyone that is near me. Questions are asked and I sensor appropriately to those should know the truth and those who need an edited version. But it’s out in the open. No hiding. Totally exposed and for the first time in my life I don’t feel like I am flawed.

I have a deeper layer to me I suppose that is coming to surface. Being self conscious of this thing for so long I was able to push those away from me and be a total bitch. But what I have done is shown my weakness and I am ok with it. I’m human!

All of those closest to me that known me for years had no clue. Sheman never noticed it. Those friends of mine that I have verbally told I was getting this fixed asked me why? What’s wrong with it? It blew me away that so many people never saw the ugly that I was always aware of.

But what I am finding most about fixing this flaw is that my deep seated painful childhood abuse is simultaneously being fixed. The emotional pain I have attached to this is healing just like my flaw is. I no longer feel such a deep pain when I talk of my past. Am I ready to forgive my mother, I can’t answer that but I know I am at peace with it. She is what she is and I know I won’t be like her with my babies. The worst pain she inflicted on me was during the entire time I have been with my husband and having children. She punished me thru my children and that is unforgivable. Making me feel insignificant in her eyes time and time again during key moments in my life that either required my mother’s presence or her help is what really hurts.

As I heal, I just come to the realization that she is just as deeply flawed as she made me. The damage she created will haunt her as she finds me no longer considering her a significant part in my life. She caused this and I know it’s tearing her up. That’s her punishment and I can live with that.

What’s up Buttercup?

So what is going on with me.. been a while since I posted and I should get up to speed on things I suppose.

Life in general has taken over into many family oriented avenues that have actually involved Sheman in some very personal space of mine.  As you all know I hold all those at arms length and my family is sacred ground that I do not allow those into.  Yet, she is there.  Some how in my drug induced haze of it all she was there and I didn’t fight it.

Whats going on with me.  Well this stupid back flare up has caused some lovely nerve damage that has now wandered into my ankle and foot.  I have swelling and numbness that isn’t painful but extremely annoying. I know I have to take things easy and not cause more damage but stupid me likes to push my limits. So Sheman has been around a lot to help out with my babies. 

One thing that she was here for was a defining moment in which my youngest child had become diagnosed with autism.  I have an older child that is also autistic which is why I am so very protective of my children.  This moment was not something of a shock to my hubby and I but it was more certain when the psychologist said that she was indeed autistic.  This opened up old wounds with my mother that I really don’t want to get into here but we will just chalk it up to a very un-supportive moment with her that was a long time battle. 

What is so amazing about Sheman is she is fantastic with my kids and my youngest is quite comfortable with her.  So I actually quite grateful to have her around. I also think I was able to help her secure a job within the school district that works with autistic children due to her being here and assisting the psychologist with her diagnosis.  This is all a possibility but none the less she would be fantastic at it.

So as I am going thru this healing process, the MFM party has pretty much been put on hold until I feel fit for it.  Hell, I haven’t even had sex with my hubby in damn near a month now.  So I have some making up to do with him first.

I did send him to the latest Fetish Ball that came around this past weekend.  He had not been to one and I made him go.  It was a Sci-Fi theme and I figured it be up his alley anyways.  I wonder if I can get him to do a lil write up of what happened there.  He gave me some details and it seemed like an enjoyable time for him.

Moments of weakness

I’m not one to show moments of weakness to anyone other than my husband or parents.  Why I don’t I am not sure.  Perhaps its due to losing control over who I am or what I have achieved.  But this is the first time I have shown my complete weakness to Sheman.

Like in some previous postings back I have mentioned that I deal with a occasional back flare up that literally bedridden me for the duration of about two weeks.  This time frame I decided enough was enough and that I will do the physical therapy to get past this episode more quickly.  Instead it set me back deeper in pain and absolutely miserable.  Enough so that I could not be left alone without supervision. This is where Sheman stepped in to babysit me and to make sure I was well taken care of while tending to my kiddies.

Can I say that she was god sent? Oh yes she was and is. Hubby can do so much before things start affecting him or interfering with his job.  Worst of all this is that I am to young to be so incapacitated as I am. Being unable to put on my own socks or screaming in pain just sitting on the toilet is something I cannot tolerate this early in my life.  I see me in my 70′s needing this help but not in my 30′s.

She has spent the last few days with me tending to my medical needs and making sure I was comfortable.  And I never felt more relieved having her near me. Not only because of that but because I let down my guard and let her in some.  Being vulnerable is something I can’t seem to give up.  Even now I find me fighting it.  I really need to stop it.  It will hinder so many avenues because of it.

She has a talent that I adore and it mirrors mine in a way that no one has been able get me to re-tap.  I find that when I push her to follow hers, I want to follow mine as well.  It’s almost like we rejuvenate each other.

For now, I am enjoying her company and her attention.  Why I don’t let this blossom is something more deep-seated then what I want to comprehend at the moment.  I know it deals immensely with my childhood experiences.  Why I let those in my life now suffer from that is ludicrous but I am beginning to understand it.  Interesting enough, she realizes it as well.

Adult & Child ADD

On the home front, my oldest child and I have a very similar issue that we can’t deny any longer.  I did not see it until recently in the past month by failing miserably one of my courses.  Then sitting in a parent/teacher conference and hearing how my child has untapped potential that they have no idea on how to reach it.  Distraction is a prominent factor in both of our lives and we embraced it as who we are.   This hit home with me so deeply that it brought back my school age dilemma of barely passing.  School was my social outlet but I did not want to do the work.  That part was bothersome to me and I like the interaction.  My child feels the same way.  Oh this we bond on in a very touching level as we relayed this information to our doctor who then informed us that we were in fact ADD. 

Funny, I associate ADD with being hyperactive.  We are both not hyper by any means but we are very entertaining in a social setting.  It’s also interesting as I do some research that many of my flaws are due to my ADD.  I’m terribly disorganized, late and forgetful.  Here I assumed this is just who I am.  But I truly don’t want to be.

After realizing the connection between my child and I, it was clear  I needed to make a change.  I am one for instant remedies but anti-pill that I decided to go herbal.  I have us both taking herbal supplements to see where it will take us.  I have noticed that I was able to focus and complete school work on time.  Further more I became more intent on getting other much-needed organizing within my home. 

Personally, I found that as a child my parents chalked up my bad grades as being lazy.  And I found myself labeling my child the same way.  GRRRR! Vicious parental cycle!  Confessing to my baby about my struggles with school work has helped both of our situations.  My thoughts on raising my children is not repeat my traumatizing childhood experiences but to learn from them and evolve.  Both of my parents had miserable childhood’s and tried their best to raise us appropriately.  But as a child of theirs, I have wounds that bleed as I encounter situations with my own children.  So I battle these to become a better person and parent. 

My main goal is to help my child become a better student and not miss out on life.  During this process, I can help myself.  While I find this all a personal issue, I do not believe it attributes to my Open Marriage.  But it might with outside relationships.  Oh who am I kidding.  Of course it does.  My ADD is all about concentrating and focusing.  Once the shine of a relationship has dimmed, I start looking for a new outlet.  I don’t want to work at the relationship.  So there it’s self is my fault.  Poor Sheman, I treat her like shit.  I know why now.  Riding her hard on her personal issues to see if I can make her snap and end it.

Same goes with all my past flings.  I can easily walk away from anyone and not look back.  It’s quite cold really.  But I remember doing that way before Hubby.  Somehow he was different.  Did I just settle?  I don’t think so.  I found qualities in him I never saw in all the other men.  Forever qualities.  But when I decided it was time to ventured out, I did have that cold resolve to accept whatever consequences were to come.  But once it did, I found a new resolve to better our situation and concentrate on it.  It’s become second nature now to the point were I do not have to think on it. 

Our journey within this Open Marriage is more of  personal assessment, evolution and preservation.  What’s more enlightening, it seems to be just me realizing these things.  Hubby seems to be just perfect and doe not have any deep need to self diagnose.  But then he always reads self-help books of enlightenment.  Me on the other hand, needs a 2×4 upside the head to have my lightbulb moment.

Understanding the weirdness

I think I’ve pinpointed the weirdness I have after an encounter.  It’s due to the expectations from the other half that I do not want to contemplate.  Fucking around changes the whole dynamic of a relationship.  Once bodily fluids have been exchanged it can and has caused a change within the relationship.

Take Sheman and I.  I played cat and mouse with her for months on end, toying with the idea of having sex with her.  I burned thru multiple reasons about why I did not want to have sex with her until I was done going that route.  So,  I did it. 

Weirdness followed and I have yet to even entertained the idea of hooking back up with her.  Oh but she has tried her best to get me back in her bed, I have held fast.  While her oral skills were quite impressive the rest was just, eh, so-so.  Nothing I cared to repeat be honest.  Oh I know I should give her another go and perhaps I will.  But it’s not high on my list.

In that aspect, I consider her my Girlfriend and use her to get unwanted men advances to go away.  It doesn’t help though.  Seems they are more interested in knowing more or getting involved.  LOL   So I do consider her someone who I do care about but I find that she is all-consuming.  She wants more now from me the ever and that puts me in freak out mode.

I find that my world is perfect as is.  I have my primary who I adore and respect.  I have my babies who come first above all else.  This all it’s self is easily all-consuming.  So to add in Sheman in this equation creates a chaos I do not want.  Instead I found myself policing her on so many things that it became frustrating.   I just want an occassional fun time that I feel no obligations to be crazily absorbed by another. 

Sheman has tried numerous times to push me to spend more time with her and instead found me screaming in the other direction.  Text messages coming in asking me “what are your plans today” would set my nerves on edge.  I do not want to be obligated to telling her my every move.  She does not need to know of my babies birthdays or that if I am her vicinity I have to see her.  No.  No I don’t.  I have one person that I feel obligated to and that is my husband.  The only obligation I feel I need to portray to her is if I am or have been sexually active with someone else.

So this is what brings on the weirdness, that they are unable to understand my boundaries.  I automatically know they will want more than what I am willing to offer so I end up going cold on them.  There are not that many out there with the same mind set as Hubby and I.  Oh, I’m sure I give off mixed signals too but ultimately, I do what I want to do and not what they want me to do. 

 Does any of this make sense?  It does to hubby and me.

Boobies!

Well Next month is Breast cancer awareness and I figured it be a good way help everyone by talking about  Boobs!  Women’s boobs, that is.  I found that since I have entered into this fun Open Marriage that I have had the opportunity to touch several sets of tah-tahs.  And let me tell you this!  Each pair has been totally different.  It’s like a snowflake different. 

Da Girls

The first set is mine, of course.  I am very, VERY fond of my lady lumps.  So much in fact I named them.  But you don’t need to know that. Heh heh.  I have a generous C cup that can easily venture into D land depending on the bra.  But what is totally awesome about mine is that they are full, with large areola and perky nipples begging for attention. 

I would love to have them bigger though.  Not hugely big like hubby would like, but a few

Le Nip

more cup sizes would be awesome. Something about have DD’s could really wow me. LOL

I do have a shot of the nipple.  I did a test on the Hubby to see if he could identify which one and boy is he good!! LOL  Whoa!  Careful..  that thing can poke an eye out.  So yeah, that’s my boob and I believe the left one at that.  Anyway, I had then ventured on to touching other boobs.  I find the gals that have some meat on their bones have the full bosom that give their boob more body.

Once a gal goes on a huge weight loss, the first to go is the boobs!  And not only that!  It’s like the filler or air deflated out of them.  Playing with this gal a few time who was on an extreme weight loss kick.  I found her deflated boobs, unappealing.  She had great nipples but well I felt like blowing them up instead of sucking them.  It was definitely a sad thing to say! 

But then on of my closest friends who was also on a weight loss kick but no into the upper body strengthening like the previous gal was, had huge tits!  She was losing the weight but the girls held strong.  She is so self-conscious of them but I tell her all the time I would take them if  I could.  She had little nipples and hard to find them by their size.  Sorry no pic, she’s bashful.

Several other ladies’ boobs I have had the delight in touching but nothing was as different as Sheman’s.  Very large breast with no prominent nipple. It was like it was hidden or something.  After doing some research I found

Flat nipple

that she has Inverted Nipples and its common for some but I believe hers are more flat then inverted. This picture is not her’s but its damn near close enough.  I believe she is the DD realm or even higher.  But have yet to ask. 

So in my adventures of playing outside my marriage I get to explore other female bodies and find that we are all different!  What more is that most of my friends have given my Hubby a boob shot that is with or without a bra on.  I tend to be the pimp in this aspect but he definitely has a spank bank full of my girl friend’s tits. 

Now I think in the coming of the next month everyone should feel up a new set of boobs.  Chalk it up to taking one for the team and saving another pair of boobs from cancer. 

So Go!  Feel up your neighbor!

Shopping with Sheman

Sheman is not out of the picture.  I know I said I got weird, and I did but she told me that I can get as weird as I want cause she’s not going anywhere.  I believe I truly put to the test because I was down right nasty towards here these past few days.  Long story short we had an argument about her priorities which put Kat at the top instead of securing herself a job, vehicle and taking better care of her health.

So today she came over and I gave her a few gifts.  For her health I gave her a nice cook book for diabetics that was extremely simple and easy to follow.  The other gift was the movie Burlesque.  We both had wanted to see the movie when it was in the theater but never went.  So I bought it as a present for her.  She was quite thrilled when I gave them to her. 

She stayed for dinner and watched the movie with me, which we both enjoyed.  I have to watch it again to really get a feel for it though. Whether or not I really liked it.  It was the same with the movie Nine starring Daniel Day-Lewis and his relationships with nine women.  Fergie, Kate Hudson and Penelope Cruz were all super hot in it.  And the second viewing brought it home how much I did like it.

After the movie we went grocery shopping, I had promised to help her shop for sustainable healthy foods that was not junk.  I have to say I was beyond shocked at how narrow-minded in the food department she is.  It’s like I am dealing with a baby who has only ate strained carrots and thinks that’s the bomb.  Yelch!!

Not only did I guide her thru the fruits, veggies, cheeses, meats and seafood, but I educated her on how to store it properly.  How to prepare something or being able to change-up a recipe to include on hand items; these things did not ever occur to her.  She always relied on the gal she was with the be the one shopping for her.  But I am so not like that.  She has to be independent.  Able to take care of herself and be successful at it.  I am not sure why I pushing her to be like this.  Well.  I think I do.  See we have these conversations and it doesn’t matter what it’s about. We could be talking about a movie, a parade, an event, a theme park  or even a restaurant and she would always say “oh yeah I was going to go there or wanted to go there but “insert female name here” wouldn’t go/didn’t like it/we broke up/blah blah. She hasn’t lived her life due to being so stuck on the woman in her life.  So, I am forcing her to be a big  girl now.  Oh sure I am holding her hand but I told her that if she does not progress, I cut the cord and she can eat shit then.

I like her.. but not as a dependent baby.  I’m hoping she will stand up on her own two feet soon and stop waiting for handouts. Kat on the other hand could careless.  She’s got Sheman right were she wants her and finds none of the things I find important of any concern.  I believe she is waiting her out so that she can move her back in and push me out.

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